His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He shit in the fireplace
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
