shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
