um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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