What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize