Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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