So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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