sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
