Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
