Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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