i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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