ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
