There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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