In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
