Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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