i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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