I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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