I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
