I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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