No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
