Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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