if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
