he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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