i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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