I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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