im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
