im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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