It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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