You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
