i always forget guys have bellybuttons
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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