bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
