He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
