But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
