I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
