i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
