and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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