if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
