I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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