if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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