Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
