bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
