Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
