I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
