It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
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