Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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