You just made me feel so damn special
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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