Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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