it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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