Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
