What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
