My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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