How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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