She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
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