The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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