I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
