my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
